I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
