end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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