It's Friday. Sex?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
