i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
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He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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