I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
he was CRYING into my vagina
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Randomize
