So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize