Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
