We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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