Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize