Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
