just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
