Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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