I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
