You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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