i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
