I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
