Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
