took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
