when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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