i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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