I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
