It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
