It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
