he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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