Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
