nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
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We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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