We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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