1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I AM VODKA MAN
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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