do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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