how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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