Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
