I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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