dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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