wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
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Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
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I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water