my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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