You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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