I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
FUCK WHALES
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
