im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
