Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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