We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
