I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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