R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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