I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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