the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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