well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We don't watch enough power rangers
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
