I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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