i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
