Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize