gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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