Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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