Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
