got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
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You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
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If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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