y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
