Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
