you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
