Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
