I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
