Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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