whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
