i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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