you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
And then he peed in my hair
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